i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
