This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
