Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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