Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
