i love accidental penises.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
