At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
