2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
