Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's never too late to be topless.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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