His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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