I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
