He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
COCAINE IS GR8
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
