she smelled like a LAN party
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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