Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
