so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
