sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I looked at my own cervix.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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