I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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