did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
