I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
