The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you win again, gameday.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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