I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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