You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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