i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
This house was built for laser tag.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
