I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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