Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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