I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
