dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
