I wanna bring you to show and tell
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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