I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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