Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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