I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
