i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
