Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
