I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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