Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
