3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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