Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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