Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
