I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
