I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
