I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
