all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
