if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
