Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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