The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
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