i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
