That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
