then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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