my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
