I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
