i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
