We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize